I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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