I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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