I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
