that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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