vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So vagazzling was a success
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
