You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
