oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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