Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
