One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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