I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize