There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
How external is "for external use only"?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
