Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
