Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize