he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
