She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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