Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
