This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
