the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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