Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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