someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
