i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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