Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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