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Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
