Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
