let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
