awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize