Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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