I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize