all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
