I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
