When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
