So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize