Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
