this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
