I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
