I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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