my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize