found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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