she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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