who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
