I think i peed on brittanys purse
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
