I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
