i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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