So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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