Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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