im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
