The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
