even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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