i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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