I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
