Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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