I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
