I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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