i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
